In an effort to help all delegates enjoy their G20 experience in Ontario, we have compiled a list of 10 tips and pointers.
1. Visitors should refrain from fishing in Stephen Harpers artificial lake as there are no fish. Economists should also refrain from artificial stimulus packages as there is no sustainable employment. Artificial smiles at the conclusion of the summit are mandatory.
2.Photos of Silvio Berlusconi posing beside the CN Tower are discouraged.
3. If you see delegates from Spain, Greece or Portugal lying prone on the pavement, do not attempt to resuscitate them with cash infusions or loan guarantees.
4. Toronto is known as a friendly, polite city. If someone tramples you during a riot, you should say, Excuse me. If you require medical treatment after being tear-gassed, you must say, Please. If someone suggests a bank tax to cure global financial malaise, the response is, No, thank you.
5. When speaking to British or French delegates, do not suggest that inclusion into the G8 group of nations should be based on World Cup standings.
6. Chinas major problems include increasing consumer demand outstripping supply, growing worker discontent with low wages and managing its currency valuation. Oh, and what to do if the communists return.
7. Canada is a model of financial stability while the rest of the world is in crisis. In order to protect Canadians from any unsound economic contamination, all economists, world financial experts and politicians are to be forced behind miles of wire fencing in downtown Toronto and separated by battalions of policemen.
8. It is a fallacy to believe that a navy submarine will patrol the lake offshore from the G8 summit in Huntsville. The sub will stay submerged in an undisclosed fountain in Toronto.
9. When U.S. President Barack Obama says something disgraceful is befouling the beaches of Florida, he is not talking about Canadians.
10. Many people will ask, was it wise to spend $1 billion on the G20 summit? Is there a cheaper way to lure Carla Bruni to Toronto for two days?